BEFORE I PUT ON MY MAKE-UP, I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU
Yesterday... all my troubles didn't seem so far away; they were right in front of me rearing their pretty little faces. Technical glitches, important decisions to be made, and a behavior I was forced to look at dead on. It's not easy to have the breath ripped from your lungs only to find yourself gasping for air in a noisy restaurant that leaves you in a panic. That's what happened to me last night.
I was starving. I hadn't gone grocery shopping in weeks. I needed my green juice and frozen strawberries. I was famished. While I was impatiently waiting for my How to Increase Traffic with SEO Vimeo presentation to finish converting, My husband came home early last night so we could go to dinner-- he pulled up front to grab me. I hate keeping people waiting, especially my clients, but I had to eat.
When we arrived at one of my favorite lunch spots, I had no idea they had become such a hot spot for dinner dining. I ordered a spring greens salad with an apple cider vinegar dressing, asparagus, radishes, and delicious butter lettuce and a teeny tiny coconut cupcake for dessert. As I waited anxiously for our food to reach the table, a noisy party of 8 sat behind us and let's just say they were having way too much fun!
Laughter like hyenas danced around the high ceilings creating echoes that were burning a whole in my soul, at least that's what it felt like. I plugged my ears. I wanted it to stop. My heart began racing faster as my starvation took over and flight or fright set in. I jumped out of my seat, leaving my husband at the table snacking on his food (mine was prepared incorrectly and sent back to the kitchen) as I ran outside to catch my breath and to get away from the hyenas that were killing me.
I hid in the corner near a little mid-century boutique where I had shopped with a girlfriend a few weeks prior. I tried to collect myself, but I was afraid to go back in. I didn't. I couldn't. Eventually, my husband came outside to look for me and asked if I was okay. I told him I wasn't and that I couldn't go back inside. So we grabbed a table outside to finish our meal.
With Vimeo in the back of my mind, I scarfed down my food and the luscious coconut bite-size cupcake and told my husband we desperately need to go grocery shopping. We can't live in a household without food. He agreed. As we finished our last bites, the feeling of panic didn't subside, the tears filled up my eyes and the thought of going to Trader Joe's froze me in my tracks. The thought of all those people shopping next to me left me feeling paralyzed. I couldn't go inside. Was I becoming agoraphobic? Did I hate people? What the hell what the problem?
And then I remembered those days of panic and anxiety attacks that once ruled my life just 5 years ago. I feared for my life. Fear that the oxygen will not be available and that my little heart would be so fast that one day it would just stop working.
Instead of leaving Trader Joe's, I powered through it. I needed my vegetables, fruits, and healthy food to remedy this health crisis. I needed my chamomile tea! Food is what healed me those years behind me and it could heal me again.
Once we returned home, I went to my office and posted my Vimeo presentation that anxiously awaited hundreds of registered guests and off my newsletter went to complete my workday.
But the real work was not over. Important decisions were dangling in front of me, decisions that didn't involved food or loud noises. The decisions that were plaguing me, clouding my vision, and wearing my heart thin. Today, I am prepared to make those decisions and seal it with a Prayer.
When all is said and done, it is you I choose.
When the going gets tough, it is me I will choose.
When time is limited, it is for me I will choose, not you.
When it comes to work, it is you I choose.
When I'm unable to breathe, it is me I choose.
And when it's time to let go, it is now I will choose.
What makes me tick is researching and digging. My love for learning and sharing is what gets me jumping out of bed and onto the computer to explore what is unknown to me. It isn't about the spotlight or even the money. It is knowledge that keeps me invigorated, motivated, and inspired to help others. the only thing that holds me back is my inability to say No. Not Right Now. Some other time. Thanks, but No thanks.
Today, I am letting go of things that I need to say No to. Things I cannot do Right Now, things I need to say Thanks, but No thanks. It might have taken an annoying technical glitch and the wind knocked out of me to find what truly matters to me, but it's clear now.
Having an ONLINE business
Researching + Sharing My Information with My CLIENTS
Having a Stocked Fridge of HEALTHY FOODS
Taking more time for MYSELF
For now, everything else is for some other time. Thanks, but no thanks.
Photo Credit: Pinterest