THE SUCCESS BLUES
This month marks the 1 year anniversary of Holistic Fashionista and to be honest, I don't really feel like celebrating. Over the course of 12 months, the road has been anything but smooth sailing. It might be shocking, but behind closed doors it's actually been an uphill battle.
When I started Holistic Fashionista I was full of hope, excitement, inspiration, and dedication. It was a motivation I had felt in the past, like those days as a clothing designer at Sunday Driver. I was like a little kid running through the candy aisle-- high as a kite like an injection of glucose running through my veins. What happened? Where did the giddy little child go?
Perhaps the dose of insulin has hit my bloodstream and now things are balancing out. The thrill of the chase lost, now that my business is in full effect. Or maybe that burning desire to achieve my goal got satiated... Has the hunger gone forever?
As I grace the cover of Holistic Fashionista magazine in celebration to our 1 year anniversary, I just don't feel like toasting; I feel like hiding. I suppose over the course of 12 months I probably took on too much, launched too many things, and changed my website zillion times too many, but it was those very events that kept the thrill of the hunt exciting and mysterious. So now what? More of the same? I'm bored.
As I head into my second year, I want something different. I want to surprise my audience and keep them on their toes. I want to break-free from anything and everything that has ever held be down in my life-- I'm dying for shock value. Part of me wants shout from the top of my lungs "It's my life! I'll do what I want with it! It's my business, I'll conduct it as I see fit." And I'll change my website and my mind as often as I please.
If anything, my 1 year anniversary has me a bit bewildered that what I've created doesn't totally match what I set out to achieve. I built something I thought I wanted yesterday and I made a bunch of new friends along the way. How is that possible that I've worked with some of the most amazing women as clients, made a great living doing it, and I still yearn for that deeper understanding of what success is really about. I think I have the success blues.
So here I sit, at Wholefoods sipping electrolyte water, having just downed a three salad melody of steamed veggies and two flavors of chopped cabbage slaw, one purple, one light green. Am I really that different than I was 12 months ago? I'm still eating the same good 'ole crap. I'm still sitting here typing on my computer talking shop, but why do I feel so different?
Part of me thinks I just don't really know how to celebrate my accomplishments. Maybe the way I celebrate is to internalize and reflect on what it is I truly want. Maybe I want to have a pity party instead of noisy festivity with organic margaritas. Maybe everything I am teaching in my business coaching is who I truly am, and I just need to continue to dig deeper to find the hidden treasures that lay beneath the depths of my soul to continue to expand my personal brand and inspire others to do the same. Perhaps I need to stop judging myself for not doing things the way others want me to do them and accept the fact that Holistic Fashionista is who I strive to be, not who I am now or will ever be. And when someone has an opinion about how I 'should' be running my business, it's okay if I just ignore them.
When it comes down to it, perhaps success is a personal journey. It's not an accomplishment or destination, or something you get a medal for to display on your trophy shelf. Perhaps it's a movement, a voyage into the unknown, a rite of passage that is sacred to your soul moving through the growing pains, sitting alone at WholeFoods and sipping electrolyte water while asking yourself, "what is it that I truly want?"
Everyday I get closer to knowing exactly what that looks like, tomorrow is a chance to visualize it happening, but today is a time to reflect and sit with my success journey and figure out what the heck it is I want for the next 12 months. I'll sit peacefully alone next to this salad bar and digest my accomplishments-- I might even go get a mint tea latte. So maybe I don't feel like celebrating in the traditional manner; I can tell at this moment that this just might be how I celebrate: internalizing and questioning what I want while fantasizing about a mint tea latte. And now I'll go get that latte.
I don't need a party. I don't need fan mail or hate mail to know I'm successful. I also don't need to pat myself on the back or reward myself with some extravagant gift. I suppose the real gift is sitting here in front of this computer and choosing to share my truth. I could give two sh*ts about fame. I could give two damns about opinionated bystanders. I could care less about seeing my photoshopped photo on the cover of a magazine. What I care about is getting to know myself better and sometimes seeing yourself on the cover of a magazine helps you see yourself in a new perspective.
That's all I really wanted anyway--a new perspective to keep me motivated to keep going even when my feathers get ruffled. And then maybe tomorrow I'll have that organic margarita with friends because I allowed myself to celebrate in my own way today. ME time is celebration time and I can toast to that.