KNOWING YOURSELF FIRST: THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-AWARENESS IN RELATIONSHIPS
Article by Jess Ponzio
Sometimes it's just about loving and accepting ourselves and others exactly as we are.
It's not taking on other people’s behavior to mean something about ourselves, but just letting everyone have their own experience and play things out in the way that they need to. It's not about trying to change another to fit our molds or what works for us but to embrace others exactly as they come. We don't need to fix or change others behavior to suit our story, but instead, let them have the freedom to have their own journey and experience life in a way that's true to them.
We don't need to over identify with the experiences of others and look to others to confirm and validate us.
We need to get over our beliefs of being rejected or abandoned to show up fully or as our whole selves. If we reject parts of ourselves that we deem unworthy or disown any emotions that we have, we aren't accepting ourselves, therefore, we can't accept another as their full self and for all that they are. As Osho quotes, “If you love a person, you accept the total person. With all of the defects. Because those defects are a part of the person. Never try to change a person you love, because the very effort to change says that you love half, and the other half is not accepted. When you love, you simply love.”
All of our relationships are mirrors that bring unhealed wounds to the surface.
Partners tend to reflect back to us what we need, not what we want. Rather than look at other’s behavior as something we need to change, we should see what it's bringing to the surface and what is being reflected back to us. What is your mind making this behaviour mean? What story are you playing that is using this behavior to validate it? It's always an inside job and learning to take ownership for our own feelings, emotions and patterns. You can not change or fix another person's behaviour but you can change the way that you view and react. It always comes back to you.
This is not about blame. It’s about taking ownership for our own experiences. You should never put up with abuse or disrespect and there is a fine line that can easily be crossed here. This is where being empowered serves you. When coming from an empowered place you will be able to more easily decipher what is someone treating you poorly or your own inner work that needs to be done.
Relationships should be entered into as a whole, complete person. This way, you are choosing to be in a partnership not expecting to gain something from another. Entering into a relationship with the expectation of someone making you feel a certain way is a direct line to disappointment. Nobody can make you feel anything, loved, secure or adequate. You must give yourself these things and feel whole and complete at your core. You need to stop the idea of finding a partner that can make everything better for you. Stop giving power to others to make everything ok for you and heal your past wounds. That's your work to do and is something that will elevate all of your relationships to another level.
When you have self awareness and acceptance for who you are, your relationships will start to reflect that back to you. The right people will start to show up in your life. When you are wounded and living in victim mode you attract those kinds of relationships, and those wounds will keep coming to the surface and being reflected back to you until you heal them. When you come into a relationship whole, complete, and empowered, you can then naturally move towards a nourishing healthy partnership.
So, doing your own inner work and allowing others to have their own experiences while working together to create nourishing relationships is a much healthier way than giving others the responsibility of make us happy and feel validated. Take the pressure off others, do your healing work and show up fully in all of your relationships, whole, complete and happy with who you are.
Sometimes the biggest growth a person can have is being supported and appreciated for exactly who they are. The nourishment that this brings will create the natural flow of empowerment to occur and a person will flourish. We can give this to others but also to ourselves.