MAINTAINING HARMONY IN RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH THE ART OF TIME-OUTS
Article by Denise Schenk
Maintaining Harmony in Relationships through the Art of Time-Outs
Time outs are an essential tool for maintaining harmony in relationships. Often when we get triggered by our significant other, a neurobiological response has already begun. The body prepares for the perceived threat, communicating to our protective mechanisms to take their respective positions. We then armor up preparing for battle emotionally, mentally, and physiologically. What if we could arrest this moment in time, slow down our internal navigational system, assess our needs, and request a time out from our partner?
Relationship distress and the fight/flight reaction to a conflict are more common among couples than one would imagine. When a couple detects a heightened level of anger in their relationship, whether it be a misunderstanding in communication, disagreements, or an unmet need; our internal radar can shift from feeling safe, secure and a sense of closeness with our partners to a feeling of disconnect or need for protection.
If the argument or battle continues, the fight/flight state will become activated in our body, along with cortisol and adrenaline. Once this cascade of neurochemicals is released, our prefrontal part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) goes offline. We then digress into the emotional center of the brain. Here we have lost the ability to rationalize and reason. Once in the territory of the limbic brain, where we begin to feel all the feels, sometimes emotions get messy and attempt to run the show. Communication in this state is always ineffective. Often leading to unkind communication and hurt feelings for all parties.
It is important to remember that the goal is not to win, although many folks may have a strange urge to prove themselves or get the last word in. A dynamic that proves challenging for many couples. This behavior may be unconscious but a habitual pattern that we find ourselves in again and again. If these dysfunctional patterns continue and a time-out is not requested, then the reptilian brain will engage. This part of the brain leaves both parties operating out of a fight/flight response. This shift from a parasympathetic (calm, rest, and digest state) to a parasympathetic (known as the hyper-aroused state) would be a great time to call a time-out. Remaining in a hyper-aroused state can result in more intense conflicts, due to each person becoming more activated and defensive. Ultimately, this level of dysfunction can fracture the foundation of the relationship.
Maintaining harmony in a relationship begins with the ability to self-regulate and learn to attune to your partner's needs. Self-regulation and attunement are learnable skills. In this context, self-regulation refers to the ability to understand and manage your behavior, specifically your reactions to feelings and things happening around you. First, you must learn to track yourself, by tuning in to what is happening inside the body? Can you recognize the subtleties of the body? Such as its sensations, the particular qualities, emotional content, thoughts, and assumptions that may be present? The term track is similar to what one would call the witness or observer part of self in meditation.
Once you begin to notice your internal patterns, you can learn to attune to what your partner might be experiencing. Attunement is the ability to imagine yourself in your partners' shoes, by sensing their emotional pulses, such as their emotional needs and overall mood. It is a genuine effort to understand and empathize with their inner emotional experience. Strengthening these allows for more emotional connection and maturity in the relationship. Recognizing the need for a time-out and following through could be the difference between disconnection and connection. This tool is both beneficial and a proactive measure.
Protocol for taking a time out:
1. Request a time out (be vulnerable). Disengage. Remove yourself from the situation.
2. State when you will return (A minimum of 15-30 minutes. *The nervous system needs this amount of time for metabolizing cortisol + adrenaline out of the body).
3. DO NOT think about the situation (this only keeps the nervous system hijacked).
4. Do something soothing (listen/play music, walk in nature, practice yoga, meditation, time with pets, read a book, journal).
5. Reconnect. This act of returning to repair is essential. It reestablishes safety, trust, and connection. Ask for more time, if needed. (Multiple time-outs are okay).
The art of practicing a time-out is simple yet has a profound impact on relationships. Not only is the overall health and harmony of relationships impacted by regularly practicing time-outs, but the benefits are many. They allow couples to step out of the dysfunctional patterns and defenses that keep them at odds with each other. They create space and time to learn how to regulate emotions enough to reconnect with your partner in a way where repair and healing can occur. They teach mindfulness. They can change perspective. They encourage emotional connection. Practicing the act of time-outs allows for vulnerability to arise, a softening if you wish that is key in building a foundation of trust and harmony in intimate relationships.
