Extimacy™ Bounce Backs Are Dangerous: Finding a Healthy Balance in Your Ex-Relationship


Article by Camille Ditele
Photo Credit: Michelle Kim
Magazine: Issue #18

Finding a Healthy Balance

Finding a Healthy Balance

In the best of all possible cases you will be able to go through life with a friendly, comfortable relationship with your ex-spouse. Coming to a truce and being polite and considerate of each other helps you raise your children and deal with extended family issues.

In the worst of possible cases, however, you mistake friendship and comfort for something more and keep falling back in love with him. He finds new girlfriends and then comes back to you broken-hearted in between his new relationships. You console him, shore up his ego, and heaven help you, sleep with him. He leaves again, but some part of you feels like at least you still have some part of him. You delude yourself into thinking that you are still really the special one in his life. And you break your heart and dig the rut deeper, time and time again.

Your complacency with settling for the crumbs in the relationship instead of understanding you deserve someone who gives you mutual love and respect will keep you in doormat mode the rest of your life. So how can you break your addiction to him?

You need a 10-step program and the resolve to take it one day at a time, the same as you would any other serious addiction. In this case, the steps involve reviving your resolve to build a new life for yourself.

Make yourself do things to meet new people. Take classes, get involved in your church, or join a special interest group. Volunteer or take a board position on a charity. All of those activities will position you to more likely meet someone who can give you a real relationship. Do new things to break your routine. If you always sleep late, start getting up early and going to the neighborhood gym. If you always stay home on Sundays, plan some adventures for yourself and a friend next week and leave the house.

Record in your journal how you really feel when you get intimate with your ex and then he leaves again. Recount the reasons why your marriage broke up and ask yourselves if any of those circumstances have really changed. Think about where you will be in 10 years if you keep on the path you are going. If that’s not where you want to be, only you can shift gears and get going in a healthier direction.

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